如何应对痛苦 - How to Deal with Pain
应对痛苦的通用方法 - General Methods for Dealing with Pain
6年前，我因为繁重的学业和竞争压力，一度非常的痛苦抑郁。不过，当时我在痛苦之余一直在思考：人应该怎么做才能规避痛苦，或者至少减弱痛苦的程度？本文总结了这6年我对这个问题的思索，并尝试给出一套应对（心理上的）痛苦的通用方法。
Six years ago, I was very distressed and depressed due to heavy academic workload and competitive pressure. However, during that time, I kept thinking: what should one do to avoid pain, or at least mitigate its intensity? This article summarizes my thoughts on this question over the past six years and attempts to provide a general method for dealing with (psychological) pain.
注意：如遇到身体上的病痛，请及时去医院接受治疗。
此外，如果长时间陷入“心累”，对什么事情都感受不到兴趣，或明显控制不住自己的情绪，有可能是抑郁症，建议接受心理咨询。
Note: If you experience physical pain, please seek medical treatment promptly.
Additionally, if you feel "mentally exhausted" for a long time, lose interest in everything, or find it difficult to control your emotions, it may be depression, and psychological counseling is recommended.
暂时远离痛苦的根源 - Temporarily Distance Yourself from the Source of Pain
当感到痛苦时，第一件要紧的事情是，如果可能的话，暂时远离导致自己痛苦的人或事。哪怕是半天也好。
When feeling pain, the first important thing is, if possible, to temporarily distance yourself from the person or thing causing your pain. Even half a day can help.
人处在痛苦之中时，会应激，情绪激动，并时刻准备战斗。这段时间里，Ta的头脑处在不理性，不灵敏的状态。反之，当Ta远离了使其痛苦的环境之后，Ta自己才有时间缓解情绪并梳理情况。从而为彻底理解痛苦的原因创造条件。
可以“暂时远离痛苦的根源”本身也是一种暗示：没有什么痛苦是真正让人束手无策的，人总是可以（哪怕是暂时）让自己舒服些。
People in painful environments are in a state of stress, emotionally agitated, and constantly ready to fight. During this time, their mind is irrational and not sharp. Conversely, when they distance themselves from the painful environment, they have time to calm down and sort things out, creating conditions for thoroughly understanding the cause of the pain.
The act of "temporarily distancing yourself from the source of pain" itself is a suggestion: no pain is truly insurmountable, and one can always (even temporarily) make themselves more comfortable.
缓解情绪 - Relieve Emotions
在暂时远离痛苦来源后（或者实在没有条件远离时），如果自己完全无法冷静，一直沉浸在痛苦之中，就需要刻意的缓解自己的情绪，让自己平静下来。
虽说面对痛苦，所有情绪反应都是正常的，应当接纳。但是想要解决痛苦，就有必要对情绪作适当处理、缓解。
After temporarily distancing yourself from the source of pain (or if it's impossible to distance yourself), if you find it completely impossible to calm down and are immersed in pain, you need to deliberately relieve your emotions and calm yourself down.
While all emotional reactions to pain are normal and should be accepted, if you are dissatisfied with the status quo and want to solve the pain, appropriate handling and relief of emotions are necessary.
有一些方法可以帮助缓解情绪，比如：识别并命名自己的情绪，将自己的感受记录下来。或者与其他人聊天，做不相关的事情。适当的深呼吸和有氧运动也可以缓解情绪。
There are some methods to help relieve emotions, such as identifying and naming your emotions, recording your feelings, or talking to others and doing unrelated things. Proper deep breathing and aerobic exercise can also relieve emotions.
彻底理解痛苦 - Thoroughly Understand Pain
彻底理解痛苦是解决痛苦最重要的一步。理论上来说，在遇到同一件事情时，理解得越通透的人，痛苦程度越轻。具体来说，就是想清楚“是什么导致了自己的痛苦，应该怎么解决”。细分的话，包括以下要点：
- 关于自己的痛苦，目前知道哪些事，还有哪些事是应该知道，但暂时还不清楚的？怎么搜罗情报？
- 如果痛苦的根源是人：他/她的性格是什么样的？出于什么动机做出了使你痛苦的行为？为什么会有这种动机？
- 如果痛苦的根源是事：这件事情的演化规律是什么？是如何演化到这一步的？
- 自己的想要达成的目的都有哪些，哪些非常想要，哪些一般想要？哪些目的可以有替代方案？哪些能达成，哪些很难达成？为什么很难达成，有什么方法可以绕过去？达成哪些目的有助于减轻痛苦？
- 自己的力量是强是弱，可以影响哪些人或事，不能影响哪些人或事？
- 哪些人和自己有相同的目的，这其中，哪些人的力量可以使用，哪些人可以出谋划策？
- 什么样的结局使得痛苦被减轻甚至解决了？什么样的结局不太影响其他人的生活？怎么做可能会达成上述结局？有多大把握？
如果上述问题都能回答清楚，就可以说已经“彻底理解痛苦”了。
Thoroughly understanding pain is the most important step in solving pain. Theoretically, when encountering the same thing, the more thoroughly one understands it, the less painful it is. Specifically, it means thinking clearly about "what is causing your pain and how to solve it". In detail, it includes the following points:
- Regarding your pain, what do you currently know, and what should you know but are not clear about yet? How to gather information?
- If the source of pain is a person: what is their personality like? What motivated them to do something that caused you pain? Why do they have this motivation?
- If the source of pain is a thing: what is the evolution pattern of this thing? How did it evolve to this point?
- What are your goals, which ones are very desirable, and which ones are generally desirable? Which goals can have alternative solutions? Which can be achieved, and which are difficult to achieve? Why are they difficult to achieve, and what methods can bypass them? Achieving which goals will help alleviate pain?
- Is your strength strong or weak, and which people or things can you influence, and which ones can't you influence?
- Which people have the same goals as you, and among them, whose strength can be used, and who can offer advice?
- What kind of outcome would alleviate or even solve the pain? What kind of outcome would not significantly affect other people's lives? What can be done to achieve the above outcomes? How confident are you?
If you can answer the above questions clearly, you can say you have "thoroughly understood the pain."
“彻底理解”是一个可以通过刻意练习而达到的程度。事实上，人平时就应该刻意联系洞察力，和处理复杂情况的能力。不过，等到痛苦的时候再去努力理解也还算亡羊补牢，为时未晚。
"Thorough understanding" is a level that can be achieved through deliberate practice. In fact, people should deliberately practice insight and the ability to handle complex situations in daily life. However, even if you only start to understand when in pain, it is still not too late.
很多事情都不只有一种看待方法，并且每一种看待方法都是正确的。比如，和对象说的话越来越少，既是感情从热恋期走向平稳期，也是换了一种相处模式，也是Ta有其他事情要忙。需要的时候，采取一种方便解决问题的看待方法就可以。
Many things do not have only one way of looking at them, and each way of looking at them is correct. For example, saying fewer words to your partner can mean the relationship is moving from the passionate phase to a stable phase, a change in interaction mode, or that they have other things to do. When needed, adopt a perspective that conveniently solves the problem.
如果认为自己没有看透人或事的水平，也可以听听周围高认知的人的建议与分析。通常来说，平时待人真诚，且可以温和清晰地表达自己的想法的人，往往是高认知的人。如果周围实在没有这种人，也可以试试与ChatGPT，或Deepseek聊聊。
If you think you don't have the level to see through people or things, you can also listen to the suggestions and analyses of people with high cognition around you. Generally speaking, people who are sincere in their dealings with others and can express their thoughts clearly and gently are often people with high cognition. If there are no such people around, you can also try chatting with ChatGPT or Deepseek.
主动迎接痛苦 - Actively Embrace Pain
在彻底理解了自身痛苦之后，人的心态会有很多变化，比如：情绪会缓解很多，对别人的误会会消失，想法也会变得更成熟。最重要的是，他/她自己对于如何解决痛苦已经有一个大体上的思路了，这时候就要大胆迎接痛苦，即，通过主动做事来尝试解决或者缓解它。
After thoroughly understanding your pain, your mindset will change a lot, such as emotions will be greatly relieved, misunderstandings about others will disappear, and thoughts will become more mature. Most importantly, you will have a general idea of how to solve the pain, and at this time, you should boldly embrace the pain, that is, try to solve or alleviate it by actively doing things.
有时，即使彻底理解痛苦了，做事仍然会没有自信。我的建议是：只要做的事情是正确的，即使没有自信也要坚持做下去，采取正确的行动一定会让结果变得更好。
Sometimes, even if you thoroughly understand the pain, you may still lack confidence in doing things. My suggestion is: as long as what you are doing is right, even if you lack confidence, you should persist in doing it, taking the right action will definitely make the result better.
最后，多说几句：
在做事时，尽量避免做可能让自己后悔的事。比如，大多数时候，“与人主动绝交”比“淡化感情”更可能让人后悔。
此外，在做事时，最好做更“聪明”的事，即，在不同的看待方法中都还算有道理的事，以及能够将你带向更多有利结局的事。
如果还有余力，在说话做事时请尽量照顾其他人。
通常来说，事情的演化规律不能违背，成年人的性格和习惯几乎不可变，改变自己的性格也比较难。违背人性或事物的演化规律的行为，往往不会导向好结局，
通常来说，必须要达成的目的越多，自己的能力越弱，痛苦被解决的概率就越小，就像俗话说的：“不要让欲望超过能力”。
我相信每个人都值得最好的生活。
Finally, a few more words:
When doing things, try to avoid doing things that you might regret. For example, most of the time, "actively breaking up with someone" is more likely to cause regret than "fading feelings."
In addition, when doing things, it is best to do "smarter" things, that is, things that are reasonable in different perspectives and can lead you to more favorable outcomes.
If you have the energy, please try to take care of others when speaking and doing things.
Generally speaking, the evolution pattern of things cannot be violated, the character and habits of adults are almost unchangeable, and changing one's character is also difficult. Behaviors that violate human nature or the evolution pattern of things often do not lead to good outcomes.
Generally speaking, the more goals that must be achieved, the weaker one's ability, and the smaller the probability of solving the pain, as the saying goes: "Don't let desires exceed abilities."
I believe everyone deserves the best life.
附录：常见的痛苦种类及应对建议
除了大碗鸡汤之外，我的读者还值得一篇处事指南。以下是我列举出的常见的痛苦种类，以及如何缓解/解决，供读者参考。
个体内部因素
| 痛苦种类 | 建议 |
|---|---|
| 自我怀疑，自我苛责，自卑 | 接纳自己的不完美，识别负面思维，认清事实 |
| 完美主义 | 接受不完美是成长的一部分，聚焦于过程而非结果，以行动替代担忧 |
| 为过去发生的事情而自责 | 接纳自己的不完美，通过理性分析和自我安慰，将注意力转向当前的小目标 |
| 自我认同混乱 | 接纳不确定性，通过记录思考，尝试新事物，明确价值观来逐步探索自我 |
| 个人价值冲突，内耗 | 接纳内心矛盾，分辨核心价值与外部影响，尊重真实的自己并逐步行动以减少内耗 |
| 难以调节负面情绪 | 接纳情绪本身，通过深呼吸、写情绪日记或与信任的人倾诉来逐步释放和理解情绪，如严重考虑接受心理咨询 |
| 存在主义焦虑 | 关注当下的小事与微小的幸福，通过行动赋予生活具体的意义 |
| 动力缺失 | 专注于小而具体的目标，从简单的行动中寻找成就感和意义 |
| 成瘾行为 | 培养健康的兴趣爱好，设立明确目标，寻求心理支持，逐步建立自控力和成就感，如严重考虑接受心理咨询 |
| 精神或生理问题 | 寻求就医，同时接受自己的状态，培养自我关怀的能力 |
亲密关系因素
| 痛苦种类 | 建议 |
|---|---|
| 感情破裂或离异 | 接受情感创伤的存在，专注自我成长，用时间与爱滋养内心，逐步重建信任与希望 |
| 缺乏亲密感 | 尝试开放真实的情感，与伴侣坦诚沟通需求与感受，同时关注自我成长与情感独立 |
| 伴侣的背叛或欺骗 | 自我接纳并专注于自身价值，同时通过真诚沟通和建立边界重建信任与安全感，如严重考虑分手离婚 |
| 伴侣的情感操控与依赖 | 建立清晰的界限，提升自我价值，学会独立思考与情感管理，如严重考虑分手离婚 |
| 伴侣三观不合 | 学会接受差异、明确界限，专注自我成长，而非试图改变他人，如严重考虑分手离婚 |
家庭因素
| 痛苦种类 | 建议 |
|---|---|
| 童年创伤 | 接纳自己的过去，疗愈内在小孩、建立安全关系，逐步重塑自我价值感 |
| 家庭氛围紧张 | 培养内在的独立感，学会从外界建立支持系统，同时尝试用真诚沟通化解隔阂 |
| 父母过度严厉 | 接纳自己与父母的局限，重建内在价值感，追求独立与自我成长 |
| 父母过度溺爱 | 接纳自己现状，从小事开始培养独立和抗挫能力，逐步建立自信与责任感 |
| 原生家庭角色错位 | 明确自己的边界，专注于为自己的人生负责，逐步释放内心的责任感负担 |
| 缺乏父母关爱或认可 | 自我接纳，关注内在价值，用理性思考代替对外界评价的执着 |
人际与社交因素
| 痛苦种类 | 建议 |
|---|---|
| 人际关系紧张 | 客观看待人际冲突，专注自身成长与目标，同时提升沟通与情绪管理能力 |
| 人际冲突或关系破裂 | 关注自身情绪管理，客观看待矛盾，尝试沟通与理解对方立场，并学会接纳关系中的不完美 |
| 校园或职场霸凌排挤 | 培养自我价值感，建立内在支持体系，并寻求专业心理帮助 |
| 孤独与社交隔离 | 学会与自己相处，培养内心的充实感，尝试主动创造与他人连接的机会，同时尝试接触新圈子 |
| 社交焦虑 | 接纳自己的焦虑情绪，逐步挑战小目标，用积极自我对话替代消极评价，尝试勇敢迈出第一步 |
| 不健康的情感依赖 | 学会自我接纳与独立，逐步建立自己的生活重心和内在支持系统 |
| 过度取悦他人 | 认识并接纳真实的自我，逐步设立健康的边界，逐步减少对外界认可的依赖 |
学业与职业因素
| 痛苦种类 | 建议 |
|---|---|
| 学业压力 | 接纳自己的不完美，专注于过程中的成长与努力，而非结果的得失 |
| 事业压力 | 专注于内心的自我成长和满足，而非外界的比较与期望，寻找自己的节奏与价值所在 |
| 职场倦怠 | 通过重新定义工作意义、设定可行目标、适当休息与自我关怀，找到平衡点和内在驱动力 |
| 事业瓶颈与迷茫 | 接受当下的迷茫，聚焦提升可迁移的核心能力，同时逐步探索感兴趣的新方向 |
| 失业或经济压力 | 专注当前可控的小目标，逐步改善经济状况。降低要求，寻找副业 |
社会与道德因素
| 痛苦种类 | 建议 |
|---|---|
| 信息过载与负面新闻 | 减少社交媒体使用，专注于可控范围内的积极行动和日常生活的美好细节 |
| 重大社会变动或灾难 | 专注当下能控制的小事，通过行动建立稳定感和信心，同时接受未来的不确定性是生活的一部分 |
| 社会对个人的高期望或偏见 | 关注内在价值与真实感受，拒绝外界单一评价标准的束缚，自己定义属于自己的幸福与成功 |
| 来自社会传统的束缚 | 接受自我并明确内心需求，通过沟通与行动争取平衡与自由 |
| 少数族裔，移民，地区，宗教的身份差异 | 接纳自身多元身份，培养内在力量，建立支持性社群，同时以开放心态理解他人与文化差异 |
| 自我与社会期望的对立 | 接受自己的独特性，明确内心所求，建立内外兼容的价值观，以平和的心态面对差异与质疑 |
| 理想与现实的冲突 | 接纳现实的不完美，在小事中寻找美好，将理想转化为可实现的目标并逐步行动 |
| 违背了自己的道德底线 | 坦诚面对自己的感受，分析冲突根源，通过行动弥补过失或调整期望，与信任的人倾诉以获得支持 |
生活事件与重大变故
| 痛苦种类 | 建议 |
|---|---|
| 亲人或朋友去世 | 接受悲伤作为一种自然情感，专注当下的生活与小确幸，用爱和感恩纪念逝去的人 |
| 意外事故或疾病 | 专注当下、接受情绪、寻求支持、一步步解决实际问题 |
| 迁移或重大搬迁 | 接受变化为成长的机会，专注于建立新的连接、拥抱新环境中的小美好 |
| 对未来不确定性的恐惧 | 专注于当下能掌控的小目标，接受不确定性为生活的一部分，用行动代替过度思虑 |
Appendix: Common Types of Pain and Coping Suggestions
Besides a big bowl of chicken soup, my readers also deserve a guide to dealing with things. Below are the common types of pain I have listed, and how to alleviate/solve them, for readers' reference.
Internal Factors
| Type of Pain | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Self-doubt, self-criticism, inferiority | Accept your imperfections, identify negative thoughts, and recognize the facts |
| Perfectionism | Accept that imperfection is part of growth, focus on the process rather than the result, and replace worry with action |
| Blaming yourself for past events | Accept your imperfections, rationally analyze and comfort yourself, and shift your attention to current small goals |
| Confusion about self-identity | Accept uncertainty, explore yourself gradually by recording thoughts, trying new things, and clarifying values |
| Conflict of personal values, internal friction | Accept inner contradictions, distinguish core values from external influences, respect your true self, and gradually act to reduce internal friction |
| Difficulty regulating negative emotions | Accept emotions themselves, gradually release and understand emotions through deep breathing, writing emotion diaries, or confiding in trusted people, and consider psychological counseling if severe |
| Existential anxiety | Focus on small things and small happiness in the present, and give life specific meaning through action |
| Lack of motivation | Focus on small and specific goals, and find a sense of achievement and meaning from simple actions |
| Addictive behavior | Cultivate healthy hobbies, set clear goals, seek psychological support, and gradually build self-control and a sense of achievement, and consider psychological counseling if severe |
| Mental or physical problems | Seek medical treatment, accept your state, and cultivate the ability to care for yourself |
Intimate Relationship Factors
| Type of Pain | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Emotional breakdown or divorce | Accept the existence of emotional trauma, focus on self-growth, and nourish the heart with time and love, gradually rebuilding trust and hope |
| Lack of intimacy | Try to open up real emotions, communicate needs and feelings honestly with your partner, and focus on self-growth and emotional independence |
| Betrayal or deception by a partner | Accept yourself and focus on your own value, and rebuild trust and security through sincere communication and setting boundaries, and consider breaking up or divorce if severe |
| Emotional manipulation and dependence by a partner | Establish clear boundaries, enhance self-worth, learn independent thinking and emotional management, and consider breaking up or divorce if severe |
| Incompatible values with a partner | Learn to accept differences, clarify boundaries, focus on self-growth rather than trying to change others, and consider breaking up or divorce if severe |
Family Factors
| Type of Pain | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Childhood trauma | Accept your past, heal the inner child, establish safe relationships, and gradually reshape self-worth |
| Tense family atmosphere | Cultivate a sense of inner independence, learn to build a support system from the outside, and try to resolve estrangement through sincere communication |
| Overly strict parents | Accept your and your parents' limitations, rebuild inner self-worth, and pursue independence and self-growth |
| Overly indulgent parents | Accept your current situation, start cultivating independence and resilience from small things, and gradually build confidence and a sense of responsibility |
| Misplaced roles in the original family | Clarify your boundaries, focus on being responsible for your own life, and gradually release the burden of inner responsibility |
| Lack of parental care or recognition | Accept yourself, focus on inner value, and replace obsession with external evaluation with rational thinking |
Interpersonal and Social Factors
| Type of Pain | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Tense interpersonal relationships | Objectively view interpersonal conflicts, focus on self-growth and goals, and improve communication and emotional management skills |
| Interpersonal conflict or relationship breakdown | Focus on self-emotional management, objectively view contradictions, try to communicate and understand the other party's position, and learn to accept imperfections in relationships |
| Bullying or exclusion in school or workplace | Cultivate a sense of self-worth, establish an internal support system, and seek professional psychological help |
| Loneliness and social isolation | Learn to get along with yourself, cultivate a sense of inner fulfillment, try to actively create opportunities to connect with others, and try to reach out to new circles |
| Social anxiety | Accept your anxiety emotions, gradually challenge small goals, replace negative evaluations with positive self-talk, and try to take the first step bravely |
| Unhealthy emotional dependence | Learn self-acceptance and independence, gradually establish your own life focus and internal support system |
| Excessive people-pleasing | Recognize and accept your true self, gradually set healthy boundaries, and gradually reduce dependence on external recognition |
Academic and Career Factors
| Type of Pain | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Academic pressure | Accept your imperfections, focus on growth and effort in the process, rather than gains and losses in results |
| Career pressure | Focus on inner self-growth and satisfaction, rather than external comparisons and expectations, and find your own rhythm and value |
| Workplace burnout | Find a balance and internal motivation by redefining work meaning, setting feasible goals, taking appropriate rest, and self-care |
| Career bottleneck and confusion | Accept the current confusion, focus on improving transferable core skills, and gradually explore new directions of interest |
| Unemployment or economic pressure | Focus on small controllable goals, gradually improve the economic situation, lower requirements, and look for side jobs |
Social and Moral Factors
| Type of Pain | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Information overload and negative news | Reduce social media use, focus on positive actions within the controllable range, and the beautiful details of daily life |
| Major social changes or disasters | Focus on small things that can be controlled in the present, build a sense of stability and confidence through action, and accept that uncertainty is part of life |
| High expectations or prejudice from society | Focus on inner value and true feelings, refuse to be bound by external single evaluation standards, and define your own happiness and success |
| Constraints from social traditions | Accept yourself and clarify inner needs, strive for balance and freedom through communication and action |
| Identity differences of minority, immigrant, region, religion | Accept your diverse identity, cultivate inner strength, establish supportive communities, and understand others and cultural differences with an open mind |
| Conflict between self and social expectations | Accept your uniqueness, clarify inner desires, establish compatible values inside and outside, and face differences and doubts with a peaceful mind |
| Conflict between ideals and reality | Accept the imperfection of reality, find beauty in small things, turn ideals into achievable goals, and act gradually |
| Violating your moral bottom line | Honestly face your feelings, analyze the root of the conflict, make up for mistakes or adjust expectations through actions, and confide in trusted people for support |
Life Events and Major Changes
| Type of Pain | Suggestion |
|---|---|
| Death of a relative or friend | Accept sadness as a natural emotion, focus on the present life and small happiness, and commemorate the deceased with love and gratitude |
| Accidents or illnesses | Focus on the present, accept emotions, seek support, and solve practical problems step by step |
| Migration or major relocation | Accept change as an opportunity for growth, focus on establishing new connections, and embrace small beauties in the new environment |
| Fear of future uncertainty | Focus on small goals that can be controlled in the present, accept uncertainty as part of life, and replace overthinking with action |